I have had enough. I've been thinking this all day long? Read sort of a lot of articles by both parties and videos. I saw all the misunderstanding, hatred and whatsoever between the two countries. All was played by the great people behind the scenes. This is the danger of not having diplomatic. I wonder if I have a chance to go to both the country and experience it myself. But the sad this is that my country's passport won't allow me to go one of the country. I am sick of boycotting things which I have been using and eating it since I was small. I see no use now. I was just can't stand this anymore. I just really want to go and experience myself. I do not want to be the wall between these two nor fully supporting them. I do not blame the countries, or the people. It has been 70 years. Again, people gain power because they have supporters. Yes. I might be one of a million girl that have thought of this. Recently, every time I woke up. I can hear my mum at the kitchen making breakfast. I get to eat and having a nice tea while reading a newspaper. But recently, what is in the newspaper? While I am having a nice so-called luxury breakfast there were thousands of people being killed here and there? How can I help? I know. Pray. Pray. Pray and Pray. There is the only thing I can do. To be honest. I did not give a damn about this thing at all. None. ZERO. But I get frustrated wigh people. Giving such assumptions without knowing the truth. Truth also I have lost of finding it. I might not read a lot of history about this conflict that was happening for a god sake knows how long period of time. I can’t barely imagine how on earth the conflict went for so long………. Not about religion or race or country, but it is more about humanity. To be honest, I am kind of sensitive when it goes to the children. Even if they cry it is enough to make me cry. Whenever I saw them on television, their parts of the body were falling apart, I can't bare, I can't bare looking at them. Close the TV. Shut my eye and wish. Wish that it was my nightmare. It's just a nightmare. A nightmare that still goes on and on.
It was late in the night when I woke up from my sleep. I looked out from a window and saw the street in front of my house. There was that girl again. She was standing like a small creature, freezing like an ice. Unlike the other nights, I went out from my house and got close into where the girl stood. When I was quite close with her in distance, I saw a girl in that cold face. Her body was not so big, but I could see the way she looked at me remind me of my late daughter.
I wonder why she stood at the street alone. So, I went outside to ask. “Hello, girl. What are you doing around here? It is late at night,” I said. She did not say anything. I asked her name and where she lives, but still she was ignoring me and kept silent. I saw her every night in front of my house since last week. So, without knowing I offered her to come into my house. I could see how her body was trembling by the cool weather. The weather outside was very bad. I even felt that my body was going to tremble, so I really want to go back to my house, but before I could go, the girl grabs my pant and she said something that I barely difficult to hear. So, I held her hand and she followed me back to my house. But then, I still did not know why she was acting like that. Only my husband and I live in the house since my late daughter leaves us forever, but now, there was a girl in my house. I gave her a glass of Milo and some bread. I looked at that girl while she was eating the food she was so hungry and what I did was right I thought. Usually, at 12 o’clock, I probably am sleeping in that roses of bed but this night I felt a little bit different because of the girl. Again, I asked the girl’s name and surprisingly, she actually said something. “ILY, Mother.” she said with the shaky voice. I was so shocked that she called me “Mother”. Then, I asked her why she called me like that, but again she did not reply. I thought maybe ILY was abandoned by her family. From that moment, I felt that maybe she can stay in my house. Days and days passed but, my husband never knew that ILY and I were always laughing in the kitchen, even until 3 or 4 in the morning. We ate foods and sometimes, I told ILY some story about my late daughter. She was so happy and excited whenever I told her about my daughter. Once my husband was awake and he said, “Nia, I hear you talk with someone. Who is that?” I never care for what my husband said. He kept saying that he could not see the kid and always said that I was just like Lily talking to her imaginary friend. But in one night, ILY never showed up again. That girl was like missing or going somewhere. Maybe she felt sad that my husband said like that. I realised it happened since my late daughter’s birthday which was yesterday. I felt sad and hope that ILY will come again to my house because ever since I lost my daughter she was the only one that can make me happy. That night, I cast my mind back to my daughter, Lily that always talk to her imaginary friend. Suddenly, out of nowhere a piece of paper flew to my face. I take a look and there was a drawing of Lily and her imaginary friend. I remember that she drew it in the day of her birthday. At the back at that drawing she wrote “ILY”. I was confused because her name was Lily and not ILY and then suddenly, my husband came and said “I LOVE YOU”. She really loves you Nia. {hahaha there you go, another story that I made up. Actually, it was supposed to be tragic at the end, but I've changed my mind. Just a short story to be shared and the name of the main character is actually mine but I've scrabble it a bit so you won't know. Hehehe} What I’ve done for my second semester - Sleeping at new room which was bigger than the previous one - My housemate was great - My new apartment was on the 3rd floor - Not going by bike this semester - After class more eating in the student pavillion - More hangout than ever - Sleep in a friend's room quite often - Happy - Having party quite a lot - Going to class early, but sitting at the back like a boss - Awesome back row - Hurting my spine and my backbone -Register for Japanese class - I brought my cookies and milo in the class and having a luxury breakfast while people looking at me - The lecturer was nice at the same time I need to disagree with their points - Going vacation on the mountain - Literally cried for my mid term result like no hope for getting the dean's award - Going to hang out to the capital city of Sarawak like countless time - Going to Mental hospital for research - Going to NREB department - Going to water department - Going to the earth hour ceremony as political event - Became an MC for a Futsal tournament - Going shopping till I want to drop and fell - Hang out - Hang out - Driving in Sarawak - Study in the room more than in the library - Fasting more than last semester - Got a lot of flu came out from my nose - I got my last HPV injection - Happy for my carry marks - Hang out before finals HUHUHUHU wahh again my “I’VE DONE LIST”. It is quite contra from the previous one I guess. If I compare, I hangout a lot this semester and I study in my room rather in the library. Well, I hope I get what I deserve. Wish me Luck :)
Sure it is fun to learn psychology. To simplify the meaning of psychology, it is the science of the mind or mental states and processes where it also can be the science of human and animal behaviour. Some people use psychology as a strategy and even mental ploy. However, I am not going to further explain about the detailed of psychology. Today, I am going to write about the defence mechanism. Sigmund Freud was one of the psychologist that construct the idea of defence mechanism that how people behave to defend themselves. I have my own way on how I handle unpleasant thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I am a person that cannot accept anything goes wrong in my life. There was time I got depressed when I did not get pointer that I want in my foundation last year. I tried to forget the pointer, just imagined that I got the dean's award and just moving forward. While I am denying with my own action, I was actually practicing to be more positive toward my life. I felt that if kept thinking about my marks, I will be more depressed and the easiest way to settle it is by saying that I already put a lot of effort on it and maybe the lecturer just wrongly mark my paper or I was just having a bad luck. It is not that I was projecting or blaming people for what I have done, but I am just using excuses to think positive by denying the fact. Another story was that I have been diagnosed for gastric and seafood allergic when I was 15 years old. I was naive and trying to act that I was so healthy and ate whatever I want, including seafood, even thought I knew that I will get in trouble if I eat any of it. This is actually to avoid dealing with painful feelings of my life that I do not wish to admit. Moreover, in 2012 both of my betta fish had died. We have been together for almost 2 years, but in the end they left me. I try to deny it by keeping their tank in my room. The water, sands and water plants are still in the tank. Sometimes if I get home, I accidentally feed the empty tank. Apparently, my mother was scolding me because I refuse to experience that painful moment. So, in these three stories I was using “denial” as my defence mechanism because I refuse to accept or acknowledge an anxiety-producing piece of information. Hahaha, *okay laughing awkwardly. {Oh, you can check (click the button below) which defence mechanism you apply. Because it can be more than 1.} |
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September 2014
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